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THE BEST SEGMENT FROM EACH SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XXII-XXVIII
November 20, 2017

Treehouse of Horror XXII

Segments

Best Segment: NONE OF THEM.

Quotes: Forget it.  WORST.  TREEHOUSE OF HORROR.  EVER!

 


Treehouse of Horror XXIII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Homer: We have stairs?!

Lisa: (scared after one of the ghost attacks) Why is this happening to us?
Marge: (nervous) I don’t know! I don’t know! I’m sure I don’t know!
Homer: Oh sweetie, sometimes mysterious invisible being from hell waits for a family to go to sleep and kills them. Now go to bed.
Lisa: But…
Homer: E-eh! School night!

Pope Homer: Crush them! In the name of the Jebus!

Visual Gags


Treehouse of Horror XXIV

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Abe: You should not be here while their mother’s away!
Homer: And you should be dead, you’re so wrinkled and gray!
Abe: I’ll give you the business, you yellow sea cow! This go-getting oldster will… Where am I now?

Ralph: That was gonna be my show-and-tell!

Moe: Hey, torso!
Barney: Huh?
Moe: What’s with the cookies? Even the human snail would’ve been done by now.
Comic Book Guy: I am so sick and tired of people assuming that the human snail is, in some way, slow. Good day!

Moe: Excuse me, ma’am, but, uh, I ain’t never seen a normal stand up for us.
Marge: (sighs) I, too, am a freak. One eye is blue, and the other a pale brown.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XXV

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Demon School Girl: Red dress. How original.
Lisa: Making fun of someone’s clothes. How original.
Demon School Girl: Wow. You wanna walk with us? (snow starts falling in the middle of the hallway)
Lisa: It’s true. It would be a cold day in hell when I was popular.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XXVI

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Moe: [raises his fist in anger] Ha! I still refuse to admit the old man was right! [the monster’s fire breath incinerates him to a skeleton] Legitimate difference of opinion. [one more fire breath reduces him to ashes]

Kang: Just ’cause it looks like Season 4 doesn’t MAKE it Season 4!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XXVII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

(Sideshow Bob gets out from behind a tree)
The Simpsons: Aah!! Sideshow Bob!
(Kang or Kodos gets out from behind a tree)
The Simpsons: Aah!! one of you, guys!
(The ghost of Frank Grimes emerges from the ground)
Marge, Bart and Lisa: Frank Grimes?
Homer: Who?
Frank Grimes: I’m the guy who hated you. Hated you! Died from my hatred of you!!
Homer: (giggles) Good old Grimey.

Frank Grimes: Will nobody stop these people? (clips from all previous episodes appear and a counter goes from 1 to 600). Wow. In Hell they make you watch them all in a row!

Seymour Skinner: Welcome, children! The Games will begin in ten seconds! Do not step off your pedestals before…
Ralph: Before what? (explosion) Wee!!

Ralph: I’m a god in this reality!

Lisa: (crying at Janey’s funeral) Why? Why did my best friend have to die!? (sobs) I mean, it’s a great college essay, but it’s not worth it.

Rev. Lovejoy: We now bury Sherri and Terri, survived by their brothers, Jerry and Larry, and their father and mother, Barry and Mary. And now some light remarks by comedian Drew Carey.

Chief Wiggum: Lisa Simpson, you are the prime suspect in the murders of two normals and a twin set!

Lisa: Come on, we got to save Mom!!
Bart: Come on, imagine a motorcycle to get us out of here!!
Lisa: My imagination isn’t that powerful.
Bart: You imagined a girl that’s killing everyone in town!
Lisa: Good point.

Lenny: So, how did things go in Prague?
Carl: Oh, quite well. I “canceled” a few Czechs.

Moe: Of course. Remoh spelled backwards is Homer!
Homer: It is!? Uh… I mean, it’s intentional.

Visual Gags


Treehouse of Horror XXVIII

Segments

Best Segment

Homer ATE HIMSELF…TO DEATH.  He was so lazy that he couldn’t go to the grocery or eat out or order pizza!

Quotes

Marge: Maggie, sweetie. You should be in bed.
[Maggie is revealed to be possessed by Pazuzu]
Maggie: No one leaves alive!
Marge: Ooooh, her first words!

Dr. Hibbert: Someone’s starting their terrible twos.
Maggie: Someone’s having an affair with his nurse!

Priest: Well, if you can’t trust a Catholic Priest with a child, who can you trust?

Lisa: So, anyone wanna pick up litter at the park today? How ’bout you, Maggie?
Marge: She’s still got a touch of Pazuzu.

Marge: How can you be so carefree? I bore both those children.
Homer: Marge, I don’t listen to a lot of your stories, but I wouldn’t call them boring.

Choir: Hey you ate you!  Yes you ate you!

Homer: Do you have any spaghetti with my balls? Uh, meatballs?

Ned: Are you eating forbidden fruit?
Homer: [disgusted] Fruit? Ugh!

Mario Batali: He wanted to me to pass on these final words. “I’ve failed as a man, but I’ve succeeded as an ingredient.”
Bart: I call the brain!

Visual Gags

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THE BEST SEGMENT FROM EACH SIMPSONS TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XV-XXI
November 20, 2017

Treehouse of Horror XV

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Lisa: If you must kill our dad, remember the family motto: not in the face.

Ned: Homer, stay away from the nuclear plant.
Homer: Fine, I’ll never go back… starting tomorrow. Today is Lenny’s birthday and they’re having ice cream cake.
Ned: B-B-B-But you’ll kill us all!
Homer: But ice cream cake!

Ned: Homer, do not press the core destruct button!
Transmitted into the booth: Homer, (Static) press (Static) Destruct button!
Homer: Okay.
Ned: Don’t do it! You’ll kill everyone!
Transmitted: (Static) Do it! (Static) Kill everyone!

Ned: Homer! Fall backward! (Homer walks backwards and dies outside the button)
Ned: Phew!
(Homer turns on to his back and dies)
Ned: Phew!
(Homer’s tongue comes out and hits the button)
Ned: Oh, you stupid son of a…… (town explodes)

Otto: (throw by Homer) Opium Rules!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XVI

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Announcer: It’s the sixth game in the world series, and the current highlights is a cloud shaped like a giraffe that floated by during the rain delay. Oh, would you look at that? The batter just called timeout again! Now let’s look in the stands with the player’s wives. Oh, what do you know! They’re talking on cell phones. No doubt complaining about the good life.
Kang: This is the most boring game in all the universe!
Kodos: And with all the steroids they take the players look like freaks!
Both: Freaks! Freaks! [A small miniature version of Kodos’ head appears on Kodos’ neck]
Mini Kodos: Freaks! Freaks! Freaks! [Kodos bites it off and eats it]

Kodos: [after the fabric of the universe shatters] Smooth move, space lax! You’ve destroyed the totality of existence!

Kang: It’ll be fine. I’ll just leave a note.

Homer: This stinks! I’ve got stubby little robot legs and an ass that’s not equipped for an adult diet!

Bart: No fair! Dad gets to kill wild animals, but I shoot one bird and I have to go to a psychiatrist!
Marge: He still thinks that hobo was a bird.

Rabbit Apu: Ha, ha! You can’t kill a Hindu! (his foreleg gets caught in a bear trap) Ah! Help me, Jesus!

Terry Bradshaw: Well, conventional wisdom says, “Good fleeing will always mean good chasing”. BUT the stats say “Put your money on the guy with the gun!”

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XVII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Marge: Homer! You won’t eat my stuffed peppers, but you’ll eat our son?

Squeaky Voiced Teen: (screaming) Tell my friends I died kissing a girl!
Homer: No!

Grandpa: I never thought it would come to this when I fought in the first World War.
Lenny: First World War? Why do you keep calling it that?
Grandpa: Oh, you’ll see!

Mayor Quimby: We have nothing to fear but the aliens and their vastly superior killing technology!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XVIII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Homer: Come on, you guys! We’ll miss the dissection!
Kodos: Actually, I’m still alive, so technically it’s vivisection.
Homer: Nobody wants a know it all.

Homer: (thinking) It’s poison, whatever you do don’t eat it.
(Homer eats it)
Homer: (thinking) Okay you ate it but don’t finish it.
(Homer finishes it.)
Homer: (thinking) Okay but don’t ask for…
Homer: Seconds please.
Homer: (thinking) You moron just kill her.
Homer: I’ll kill her after dessert!

Marge: All this time I thought you were out getting drunk, you were killing people?
Homer: I was getting drunk, then killing people!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XIX

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Groundskeeper Willie: (holds out a tray of toasted pumpkin seeds) Care for a pumpkin seed?
Grand Pumpkin: You roast the unborn?!? (eats Willie whole) AAAAH!!!

Nelson: (to the Grand Pumpkin, holding a yellow pumpkin) Touch me and I’ll cut your friend.
The Grand Pumpkin: What do I care? That’s a yellow pumpkin.
Nelson: You’re a racist!
The Grand Pumpkin: All pumpkins are racist. The difference is that I admit it. (starts eating Nelson)
Nelson: I’d rather die than hate!

Grand Pumpkin: Pumpkin segregation forever!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XX

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon: As a vegetarian, I did not eat any tainted burgers. And as a convenience store owner, I’m armed to the teeth.

Marge: Homie, where have you been?
(Homer speaks muncher-like)
Lisa: Dad, are you becoming a muncher?
Muncher Homer: I think the better brains is, are you brains are brains, Blarrrgh!
(Bart points a shot gun at Homer)
Bart: Where do you want it, the mouth or the eyes?
Muncher Homer: Oooh! Mouth.
Bart: Eyes it is!

Stranger: Safe Zone? You really think this is Safe Zone? *laughs* Well, yeah, you’re right. It’s right over there.
Soldier: Welcome, son. To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.
Marge: Hold it right there, bub. What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their savior? (Rev. Lovejoy gets nervous)

Lisa: Time has passed. Children play in the streets. At night, there is music and laughter. And all we had to do was let Bart take a bath in our food.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XXI

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Professor Frink: Oh! I went too far! Spoiled the whole show for everybody. I don’t deserve to wield the remote.

Visual gags

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THE BEST SEGMENT FROM EACH SIMPSON’S TREEHOUSE OF HORROR VIII-XIV
November 20, 2017

 

Treehouse of Horror VIII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Comic Book Guy: Oooh, I’ve wasted my life.

Lenny: C’mon we just want to eat your skin.

Homer: Marge, kids, you’re alive!
Lisa: All the layers of lead paint in this house made it the perfect bomb shelter!

Ned: We can all work together to build a Utopian society, free of violence, hate, and prejudice!
Marge: That sounds beautiful, Ned. And let me just say my family and I share your vision for a better- Now!
(Marge and the kids pull out shotguns and shoot the mutants, leaving them in a pile.)
Marge: Friends with mutants, right!
Homer: Now, that’s the Marge I married! So, who wants to steal some Ferraris?!
Bart, Lisa, & Marge: Ooh me! I do! I do!

Lisa: He’s trying to kill me!

Homer: Nobody likes a tattletale, Lisa.

Bart: Well I’ll be a son of a witch!
Witch Marge: That’s right, I’m a witch! And I’m the one who withered your livestock, soured your sheep’s milk, and your made your shirts itchy!
Farmer Lenny: Hey! You destroyed my turnip crop!
Witch Marge: No, that was gophers.
Witchhunter Wiggum: That’s impossible. I thought we burned all of the gophers!
Witch Marge: Not all of them!
(Turns Wiggum into a giant gopher)

Maude: Oh, Neddy. Look at them up there, plotting our doom. They could force us to commit wanton acts of carnality.
Ned: (Under his breath) Yeah, that’ll be the day.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror IX

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Lisa: Of course! The transplant. Somehow Snake’s hair must be controlling…
Marge: Oh please, Lisa, everyone’s already figured that out.

Bart: You’ve got to fight the hair, dad.
Homer: But I look so youthful and hunky.
Snake: (possessing Homer) The kid’s gotta die.
Homer: But I love my son.
Snake: More than a lush head of hair?
Homer: Don’t make me choose!

Homer: (after watching Bart and Lisa on TV) Oooh, how are Bart and Lisa gonna get out of this one?

Regis Philbin: My eyes, my beautiful eyes!

Marge: Homer, do something! The ceiling’s not a safe place for a young baby.

Homer: Eh, all right, I got it. [gets a broom and tries to poke Maggie off the ceiling] Come on, get off the… [Maggie grabs the handle with her free tentacles and swings Homer back and forth across the room] Bad baby! Oh, she’s entering the terrible two’s, all right.

Homer: (to Dr. Hibbert) Is there anything you can prescribe, doctor?
Dr. Hibbert: Fire! And lots of it!
Marge: Hmm, that’s your cure for everything!

Maggie: Very well then. I’ll drive! [laughs menacingly as the episode ends] I need blood.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror X

Segments

Best Segment

Scared me as a kid.

Quotes

Marge: Homer, did you remember the fog lights?
Homer (singing): Guess I forgot to put the fog lights in!

Homer: Okay, Marge, you hide in the abandoned amusement park. Lisa, the pet cemetery. Bart, spooky roller disco and I’ll go skinny dipping in that lake where the sexy teens were killed 100 years ago tonight.

Guard: (To Lisa) Welcome aboard. Now, before you enter, you’re going to make a very difficult choice. You’re only allowed to take one parent with yo-
Lisa: Mom.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XI

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Homer: That horoscope was bologna. Nothing happened except the pick-ax in my head, the rattlesnake bite, and the testicle thing.

Bart: (after a rat bites him) Oh, I just got over the plague.

Marge: Husband, without your weekly penitence, how shall we feed our children?
Homer: Don’t worry. No child will ever starve in my home.
[Later, Homer throws Bart and Lisa into the deep dark woods]
Homer: So long, kids! Enjoy your new home. Say hi to your other brother and sister.
Bart: Other brother and sister?
[Bart and Lisa see skeletons that resemble them and scream together]
Lisa: Face it, they’re not great parents.

Mayor Quimby: We’re all frightened and horny, but we can’t let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring.

Homer: Hey, you got to hand it to those dolphins. They just wanted it more.
Lisa: I kind of wish I hadn’t freed their leader and, you know, doomed mankind.
Marge: Oh, honey I wouldn’t say same doomed. It’s going to be an adjustment, no question.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Neighborhood Lady: Cholera! I got cholera!

Marge: The best thing about a Gypsy wedding is I’m not the hairiest woman here.
Homer: Yep. Everything worked out for the best.
Marge: What?! Bart is dead!
Homer: Well, me saying I’m sorry won’t bring him back.
Marge: The Gypsy said it would.
Homer: [stubbornly] She’s not the boss of me.

Marge: Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes?
Ultrahouse: Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?
[Marge giggles.]
Ultrahouse: No, I’m asking.
Marge: Oh… uh… Not a very good one?
Ultrahouse: Damn straight.

Mrs. Krabappel: Sloppy work as usual. Lisa’s casting spells at an eighth-grade level; you’ve sinned against nature.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XIII

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Kent Brockman: Like comedy clubs in the late ’80s, these ravenous clones are everywhere. They destroyed every building in town except Moe’s Tavern, which is reporting record business.

Moe: All right, who’s paying the tab?
Homer Clones: LENNY!
Lenny: Anything for Homers.

Marge: The horde is almost dead! There’s still some writhing and twitching, but that should stop by morning.
Homer Clone: Good news.
Marge: Mmm, [kisses the Homer Clone] One handsome hubby is all I need. [continues kissing the clone, then gasps in shock] No belly button? You’re a clone! Then the real Homer…
Homer Clone: First over cliff.
Marge: [gasps] My Homie is dead? How will I go on?
Homer Clone: You like back rubs?
Marge: Oh well.

Homer: Maggie! (Lisa as an owl grabs Maggie) Lisa! (Homer captures Lisa and set Maggie free)
Lisa: We were just playing.
Homer: What game?
Lisa: Let’s eat Maggie?

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror XIV

Segments

Best Segment

Quotes

Lisa: Dad! You’ve become the new Grim Reaper!
Homer: No way, forget it. I might occasionally kill out of anger, or to illustrate a point. But I am not a Grim Reaper! (the robe sucks in his groin) Ow! Ow! I’ll reap! I’ll reap already!

God: Wait a minute! This isn’t Marge! It’s her fat sister, Selma!
Homer: It’s Patty, CHUMP!

Agnes Skinner: Lost your spine huh? You just keep finding new ways to disappoint me.

Visual Gags

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THE BEST SEGMENT FROM EACH SIMPSON’S TREEHOUSE OF HORROR I-VII
November 1, 2017

Every year since 1990, The Simpsons has aired a Halloween episode each October (and for about a decade in early November-thank World Series).  The writers abandon all realism in favor of scares and laughs.  Here’s what I believe are the best segments from all the Treehouse series.  I only chose one segment from each special because I would be writing forever if I reviewed each segment.  However, I will include memorable quotes and visual gags from most segments in order of airing.

Let’s get this started!  Halloween is winding down!

Treehouse of Horror I

The first Treehouse of Horror and the only one to be set in the treehouse.  In this installment, Bart and Lisa try to outdo each other with scary stories with Homer listening below.

Segments

Best Segment

James Earl Jones (who voices a mover and a narrates Poe’s famous poem with Homer as the man tormented by a raven who looks like Bart.  Would you believe this segment caused students to become interested in Poe’s work?

Quotes

Evil Spirit: They are all against you, Bart. You must kill them all. They all must die.

Bart: Are you my conscience?

Evil Spirit: I… Yes, I am.

Homer: Mr. Ploot, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn’t tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground!  No, you didn’t!  Well, that’s not my recollection! Yeah? Well, all right, goodbye!

Homer: He says he mentioned it five or six times.

Lisa: It chose to destroy itself rather than live with us. You can’t help but feel a little rejected.

Marge: Well, thank you very much, Mr.—

Serak the Preparer: To pronounce it correctly, I would have to pull out your tongue. 

Homer: Listen, you big, stupid space creature, nobody, but nobody, eats the Simpsons!

 

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror II

Lisa, Bart and Homer have nightmares after eating too much candy on Halloween.  The titles of each segment are The Monkey’s Paw (Lisa’s nightmare), The Bart Zone (Bart’s Nightmare), and If I Only had a Brain (Homer’s nightmare).

Segments

Best Segment

Based off a Twilight Zone episode “It’s a Good Life”, Bart has the ability to bend reality with his mind, read someone’s mind, and can turn anyone who says anything bad about him into anything he wants.  It’s filled with a lot of great gags and has a hilarious ending that makes sense in 10-year-old Bart’s mind.

Quotes

Marge: Homer, where’d you get the monkey’s paw?
Homer: I got it from the stand…over..there. (points to an empty space. A gust of wind is blowing sand around)
Homer: Oh, wait. It’s over there.
Merchant: You will be sorry.

Homer: I’ll make a wish that can’t backfire! I wish for a turkey sandwich, on rye bread, with lettuce, and mustard, and… I don’t want any zombie turkeys, I don’t wanna turn into a turkey myself, and I don’t want any more weird surprises, you got it! (Homer eats)… Mmm, not bad, nice hot mustard, good bread, turkeys a little dry… THE TURKEY’S A LITTLE DRY!!!

Kang: That board with a nail in it may have defeated us, but the humans won’t stop there. They’ll make bigger boards and bigger nails. Soon they’ll make a board with a nail so big it will destroy them all!

Mrs. Krabappel: Well, class the history of our country has been changed again, to correspond with Bart’s answers on yesterday’s test. America was now discovered in 1942 by… ”some guy.” And our country isn’t called America any more. It’s Bonerland.

Football announcer: The kick is up…it’s looking good…The ball is turning into a fat bald guy! (f) And it’s no good, and you know what we say every time something strange happens, it’s good that Bart did that, it’s very good!

Krusty: Well, we’re still on. 346 consecutive hours. And all because of one little boy who…WHO WON’T LET ME STOP!! Anyway, now let’s go and see if Sideshow Mel has any more of those legal, over-the-counter wake-up drugs of his!

Audience YAY!

Mr. Burns: Have trouble breathing… organs leaking vital fluids… Smithers… I am going to die.

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror III

The Simpsons host a Halloween party for Bart and Lisa’s friends.  After Homer eats a Halloween activity, Lisa, Abe, and Bart tell scary stories to the group.

Segments

Best Segment

This was a tough one for me, but by a hair, I chose Treehouse III’s final segment as it has a better overall story.  The first segment is extremely quotable and introduced the world to frogurt.

Quotes

 (Bart opens Grampa’s gift, a box of cash)
Marge: Where’d you get all the money?
Grampa: The government. I didn’t earn it, I don’t need it, but if they miss one payment I’ll raise hell.

Homer: Do you sell toys?
Shopkeeper: We sell forbidden objects from places men dare to trade… We also sell frozen yogurt, which I call “frogurt”.
Homer: Yeah, well I need something for my son’s birthday.
Shopkeeper: Ah… Perhaps this will please the gentleman…
(The shopkeeper reaches the shelf and takes the Krusty doll.)
Shopkeeper: Take this object… But beware, it carries a terrible curse.
Homer: Ooo, that’s bad…
Shopkeeper: But it comes with a free frogurt!
Homer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The frogurt is also cursed.
Homer: That’s bad…
Shopkeeper: But you get your choice of topping!
Homer: That’s good!
Shopkeeper: The toppings contain potassium benzoate.
(Homer stares at the shopkeeper.)
Shopkeeper: That’s bad.
Homer: Can I go now?

Grampa: That doll is evil, I tells ya. Evil! Eeeeeeviillll!!!

Marge: Grandpa, you said that about all the presents.

Grampa:I just want attention.

               Patty: There goes the last lingering thread of my heterosexuality.

Homer: The doll’s trying to kill me and the toaster’s been laughin’ at me!

Repairman: Yep, here’s your problem. Someone set this thing to “Evil.”

               Burns: What do you think, Smithers?

               Smithers: I think women and seamen don’t mix.

               Burns: We know what you think.

Carl: Hey, I heard we’re goin’ to Ape Island.

Lenny: Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wished we were going to Candy Apple Island.

Charlie: Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?

Carl: Apes. But they’re not so big.

Bart: Nice try, Mr. Flanders. But I’ve got a story so scary you’ll wet your pants!
Grampa: Too late.

Lisa: Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer: Did you wreck the car?
Bart: No
Homer: Did you raise the dead?
Lisa: Yes!
Homer: But the car’s okay?
Lisa and Bart: Uh-huh.
Homer: All right then.

Bart: Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer: He was a zombie?

Homer[while attacking the zombies] Take that, Washington! Eat lead, Einstein! Show’s over, Shakespeare!

Shakespeare: Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror IV

Bart hosts this year’s installment, but Marge and Maggie keep interrupting him as he tries to introduce the three segments.  This is one of the best overall Halloween episodes, along with the next installment.

Segments

Best Segment

I’m going with the middle segment because this one scared the crap out of me as a child.  Something about that gremlin just freaks me out.

Quotes

Homer: Flanders?! You’re the devil?!

Devil FlandersIt’s always the one you least expect.

Devil Flanders: Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for–(Homer has already scarfed all but a small crumb of the donut)

Homer: Hey, wait. If I don’t finish this last bite, you don’t get my soul, do you?

Devil Flanders: Uh, technically no, but–

Homer(singing) I’m smarter than the Devil. I’m smarter than the Dev–(Flanders turns into a huge demon)

Devil FlandersYOU ARE NOT SMARTER THAN THE DEVIL!  I’ll see you in Hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Bart: I just had a vision of my own horrible fiery death.

SkinnerHello, Simpson.  I’m riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone.  She was right to do it.

Homer: It sure was nice of Mr. Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in…Pennsylvania!

Vampire Burns(On the intercom) Welcome, come in. Ah, fresh victims for my ever-growing army of the undead!

Smithers: Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Vampire Burns: Oh son of a bi–

Homer: Bart! How many times have I told you before not to bite your sister? Hey, wait a minute! You are a vampire!

Grampa: Quick! We have to kill the boy!

Marge: How did you know he’s a vampire?

Grampa: He’s a vampire? (runs off screaming)

Marge: Homer, we gotta do something. Today, he’s drinking people’s blood. Tomorrow, he could be smoking!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror V

This is arguably the best Treehouse of Horror ever.  After critics blasted the show for being too scary, the show decided to up the ante.  Groundskeeper Willie gets an ax in the back three times.

Segments

Best Segment

This is considered the best Halloween short in Treehouse history.  It is very scary and hysterical. No TV and no beer would make Homer go crazy. Also, the ending has freaked me out for years.

Quotes

Marge: Oh my! It seems the show is so scary that Congress won’t even let us show it. Instead they suggested the 1947 classic Glenn Ford movie, “200 Miles to Oregon”. (not a real movie)

Burns: Hmmmm… that’s odd. Usually the blood gets off on the second floor.

Burns: Yes, by cutting off cable TV and the beer supply, I can ensure an honest winter’s work out of those low-lifes.

Smithers: Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?

Burns: Hmm… perhaps. Tell you what: we come back and everyone’s slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

Willie:  Boy…you read my thoughts! You’ve got the Shinning.
Bart: You mean “Shining”.
Willie: Shh! You want to get sued?

Marge: You stay here until you’re no longer insane. Hmm, chili would be good tonight.

Moe: Homer? It’s Moe. Listen, some of the other ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn’t moving forward.

Homer: Can’t murder now. Eating.

Homer: (Homer chops into a room) Heeeere’s Johnny!(camera pulls back to reveal empty room)D’oh!

(chops into another room)

Homer: Daaaaavid Letterman!

Grampa: Hi David, I’m Grampa.Homer: D’oh!

(chops down another door)

Homer: (holding a ticking stopwatch) I’m Mike Wallace, I’m Morley Safer, and I’m Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on “60 Minutes”!

FamilyAAAAHHH!!!

Homer: Television! Teacher! Mother! Secret Lover.

Homer: Wow. I’m the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time

Homer: I’ve gone back to the time when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos! OK, don’t panic; remember the advice your father gave you on your wedding day.

Grampa: If you ever travel back in time, don’t step on anything, because even the tiniest change can alter the future in ways you can’t imagine.

Homer: Hmm, fabulous house, well-behaved kids, sisters-in-law dead, luxury sedan… whoo hoo! I hit the jackpotMarge, dear, would you kindly pass me a donut?

Marge: Donut? What’s a donut?( Homer screams and runs downstairs and disappears back into time; outside the window, donuts start falling from the sky)

Marge: Hmm… it’s raining again.

Maggie: This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Skinner: A powder keg of unacceptable behavior.

Jimbo: It’s hard to scrub this giant pot from the inside when you keep spilling meat tenderizer all over me.

Willie: Ugh, I’m bad at this.

Skinner:  I’m going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes… I believe I’ll start as you’ve so often suggested by eating your shorts…

Homer: Stupid cheap weather stripping!

Simpson Family (& Willie) singing: The family dog is eyeing Bart’s intestine!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror VI

Segments

Best Segment

Another segment that scared me as a kid.  Willie is the perfect Freddy Krueger and we were introduced to the month of Smarch.

Quotes

Homer: I paid for a colossal doughnut, and I’m gonna get a colossal doughnut!

Chief Wiggum: (after he shot what he thought was a monster) Eh, they’re not so tough.

Lou: Um… Chief, that wasn’t a monster; that was the captain of the high school basketball team.

Chief Wiggum: Uh, yeah… Well, he was turning into a monster… Yeah.

Skinner: Wheel him out quietly.  It’s best the children don’t see.  (Sheet falls to reveal Martin’s dead body).

Kids: AAAAAHHHH!!!

SkinnerJust get him out of here!  Not into the kindergarten!

Kindergarteners: AAAAAHHHH!!!

Homer: Oh, lousy Smarch weather. 

Groundskeeper Willie: (looking like a skeleton) You’ll pay for this…with your children’s blood!

Chief Wiggum: Oh, right. How are you going to get them? Skeleton power?

Groundskeeper Willie: I’ll strike where you cannot protect them… in their dreams!

Homer: Hello? Can anybody hear me?

Marge: Homer, where are you?

Homer: I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am!

Marge: Do you see towels? If you see towels, you’re probably in the linen closet again.

Homer: Just a second! No

Chief Wiggum: Take that, you lousy dimension!

Visual Gags

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Treehouse of Horror VII

Segments

Best Segment

This segment is still relevant today.  All you have to do is switch out the names of the candidates.

Quotes

Dr. Hibbert: But what to do about poor Hugo?  Too crazy for Boy’s Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town!  The child was an outcast!  So, we did the only humane thing.

Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge: It’s saved our marriage.

Bart: You’re crazy!

Hugo: Am I? Well, perhaps we’re all a little crazy. I know I am. I went mad after they tore us apart, but I’ll be sane… once I sew us back together.

Bart: But you’ll kill both of us.

Hugo: No, it’s easy. Look, I’ve been practicing: I made a pigeon-rat.

Dr. Hibbert: That means the evil twin is and always has been…Bart.  (They all turn around and stare at Bart.)

Bart: Oh, don’t look so shocked.

Lisa: I’ve created Lutherans!

Kang: Abortions for all!

Crowd: Boo!!!!

Kang: Very well, no abortions for anyone!

Crowd: Boo!!!!

KangAbortions for some!  Miniature American flags for others!

Crowd: Yay!!!!!

Kang: It does not matter which way you vote.  Either way your planet is doomed! DOOMED!

Kodos: My fellow Americans.  As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball, but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.

Kodos: It’s a two party system! You have to vote for one of us!

Man: He’s right, this is a two-party system.

Man 2: Well, I believe I’ll vote for a third-party candidate.

Kang: Go ahead, throw your vote away.

Homer: Don’t blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Visual Gags

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31 DAYS OF OSCAR: THE BEST OF THE T’S
March 1, 2017

Before we start with the S’s, what the hell happened at the Oscars Sunday night?!!!

 

The Thin Man (1934)

Drink some martinis with Nick and Nora Charles while watching the first of the six film series.


The Third Man (1949)

 

Watch Orson Welles steal the film with less than 20 minutes of screentime.


To Be or Not to Be (1942)

 

Carole Lombard’s final role.   What could have been.


Top Hat (1935)

One of the best of the Astaire-Rogers musicals.


The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1942)

Watch Bogie go mad with greed.


12 Angry Men (1957)

Henry Fonda’s only production credit.

31 DAYS OF OSCAR: THE BEST OF THE Q
February 25, 2017

The Quiet Man (1952)

Calling all lip readers, can you figure out what Maureen O’Hara is saying to John Wayne in the final scene?

31 DAYS OF OSCAR: THE BEST OF THE J
February 16, 2017

Jaws (1975)

The only “J” film on the docket.  A lot of people wouldn’t go swimming in the ocean for awhile.

31 DAYS OF OSCAR: THE BEST OF THE C’S
February 13, 2017

Cabaret (1972)

Caged (1950)

Casablanca (1942)

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof (1958)

Citizen Kane (1941)

The Crowd (1928)

December Centennials
December 11, 2016

Richard Fleischer

Born: December 8

Died: March 25, 2006

Notable Films: The Narrow Margin (1952); 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954); The Vikings (1958); Fantastic Voyage (1966)
Kirk Douglas

Born: December 9

Birth Name: Issur Danielovitch

Notable Films: Champion (1949); Ace in the Hole (1951); The Bad and the Beautiful (1952); Lust for Life (1956); Paths of Glory(1957); Spartacus (1960)



Mark Stevens 

Born: December 13

Birth Name: Richard William Stevens 

Died: September 15, 1994

Notable Films: The Dark Corner (1946); The Street with No Name (1948); The Snake Pit (1948)



Shirley Jackson 

Born: December 14

Died: August 8, 1965

Notable Films: Lizzie (1957)
Betty Grable 

Born: December 18

Died: July 2, 1973

Notable Films: Down Argentine Way (1940);  Mother Wore Tights (1947); How to Marry a Millionaire (1953)



Roy Ward Baker 

Born: December 19

Died: October 5, 2010

Notable Films: Don’t Bother to Knock (1952); A Night to Remember (1958)

NOVEMBER ON TCM
November 13, 2016

Star of the Month: Natalie Wood (Fridays in November)

 

Natalie’s daughter Natasha Gregson Wagner and widower Robert Wagner host a series of movies documenting her career from child star to adult.
To Tell the Truth: Famous Documentaries (Mondays and Wednesdays in November)

Actor Alec Baldwin hosts this documentary film festival.
Anniversary of the National Parks ( November 22)