Where in the World is…Jon Stewart?: Impersonating Geraldo Rivera!; Dancing like Patrick Swayze!; Jazzing it up!
Only Story Worth Mentioning: Detroit has filed for bankruptcy. I’m just kidding, HRH Prince George has arrived!!!
Detroit’s New Reality: It is now faster to get a pizza from Domino’s than it is to get a cop to your house.
Who May Save Detroit: Howdy Doody
What Happens if Edward Snowden Stays in Russia: Don’t stay in Russia, dude-Putin is watching you. I repeat, do NOT stay in Russia!
Cap’n Crunch’s Drunk Uncle: The town crier announcing the birth of the royal son.
Apparently Needs to be Said: Get out of that woman’s delivery room, CNN!!!
Apparently Not a Big Deal in England: There was a horse in a pub.
Great or Greatest Intertitle: On Her Majesty’s Secret Cervix
Prince George is Registered At: Toddlers and Tiaras
Uses Any Excuse to Throw a Party: England
This is Not Happening Again!!: Anthony Weiner has another selfie of his penis (and this time it’s not covered by underwear)
Great or Greatest Name Ever: CARLOS DANGER!!!
Who Understands This Goldman Sachs Aluminum Scandal: An eight-year-old
Extended Interviews: Two
Wanted for Congress in 2014: Assholes (reasonable and apparently sane people need not apply)