Before we begin, I want to send my condolences and prayers to the people of Boston. You will get through this and you will prevail. Also, to the dirty coward who did this horrific act, you will be caught and you will lose. No, wait you have ALREADY lost. Seriously! Boston survived the REVOLUTIONARY WAR. They are one of the top cities in the United States and you just pissed them and the rest of America off. Also, Boston is a very patient city-they waited 86 years for their team to win the World Series again. You will be found and there will be justice.
Prettiest Attorney General: Beau Biden (Seriously, look at the pretty!)
I Never Thought the Media would get a Bad Picture of her: Michelle Obama
Endangered Species: Public Lice (No, I’m not kidding)
Extended Interviews: One (Jimmy Carter got two segments)
Best New Game Show: Sodomy! Zygotes! Welfare!
Jon just Learned About: Stacey Campfield
Goes about as well as Expected: Rand Paul at Howard University
Sleeping on the Couch: Jon after his remarks about marriage
Awesome Idea: Jon Stewart for Mayor of New York City